Licking Wounds: Journal Circa 2005

I have always been pretty good about keeping a journal since my teenage years..often times they were started with great zeal and left half empty..I went through stages with writing things down and although months would sometimes pass in between entries I would always go back to them someday. I have many beautiful journals among my bookshelves that reflect the days of my life long ago full of empty pages waiting to be re-discovered. I suppose since starting this blog a few years back that this has almost become my journal, except everyone can see it that chooses to and that in and of itself is kinda of strange I must admit. Whenever I happen upon one of these old journals I can't help but flip through a few pages and roll down memory lane, the good and the bad and reflect on what place I was in my life. 2005 was a significant year for me in that life as I had known it would never be the same. It was a huge time of personal growth for me and I was coming to terms with admitting to myself that I was not existing in a happy marriage, I ended that year pregnant with my third son and things had changed so much within the course of that year I had no idea where life would take me all I knew is that change was on the horizon. The following year I found myself in a completely different place living a completely different life and went through personal changes beyond anything I could have imagined at the time. If I have learned anything from that transition, the change..what I gained from it is that I once again became a humble person. Looking back I needed to be humbled and more importantly I needed to know that for the first time in my life I could take care of myself and my children and fly solo..which reaffirmed that no matter what happens to me I will be okay because I can trust myself and my abilities and I will make it so. I walked away from a beautiful home, money, a house full of things taking only what I needed and bid farewell life as I knew it..it was a hard couple of years, I often times walked around feeling as though someone blew out the light inside of me, that I had lost my spirit but I wouldn't change a thing...Six years later I find myself a person who knows with utmost certainly that I deserve to be happy and fully embrace this unplanned life of mine... I look back to the words I wrote during the calm before the storm..and sometimes I feel as though I almost knew then that one day it would all be worth it...

Random Entries 2005

~Home is what catches you when you fall, and we all fall

~Don't scribble just adjust & try to understand..embrace confusion

~Practice random acts of kindness,music is the language of the soul, today I vow to forgo what drains me, to cling to only what is inspiring,try to only surround myself with people who inspire me and make time to enjoy their company, To not be so opinionated and quiet my mind. The love of my life..keeper of my heart..time to let go and continue on this path.

Get myself healthy again and take great care in doing so, read instead of watch TV..don't let money get me down be smart with all costs. Know that there is a bigger plan for me..

~Compassion is the best healer

~Life is too short for bad company

~Faith is the basis of the path..the mother of virtue it nourishes all roots of goodness

~the Gardens of Heilbrunn, Austria..Home to the Gazebo of "Sixteen Going On Seventeen"

~Keep on the straight & narrow

~I can do everything through him who gives me faith-Philippians 4:13

~Whatever is not yours abandon it-when you have abandoned it, that will lead to your welfare and happiness.

~Hell is empty, all the devils are here-William Shakespeare

~Let us not talk of karma, but simply of responsibility toward the whole world

~Crabby people will find reasons to be crabby about the weather, whatever the day is like. It will be too hot or too cold, and if one day is perfect, it will only get worse tomorrow. They complain not because of what the day is like but because of what they are like. By contrast, grateful people are grateful for the weather whatever it may be, remembering that April showers bring May flowers...

~Do things that rewuire creative thinking, add spice to life, read newspapers that aren;t local,play make believe,see the world through rose colored glasses,dance,do something my mom would never do, read about women from different eras,fins a secret getaway,live in the moment,,,gratitude is where religion begins in the human heart..life is a gift

~You have to prepare for the life you want

~May all be free from sorrow and the causes of sorrow..may all never be sperated from the sacred happiness which is sorrowless

~Work hard..play hard..falling in love with me yet feeling like I am trying to save someone who is drowning..

~I will be happy forever, nothing will hinder me, I walk with beauty before me, I walk with beauty behind me,I walk with beauty above me, I walk with beauty around me, my words will be beautiful.

~In the first minutes of the morning: be grateful I am alive..that my body works..that I have food to eat and clothes to wear,,that I have things to do today that will demonstrate my humanity and that I have friends to share the day with..Thank everyone in my life, be humbly grateful there is someone in the world to love me. Live a parallel life in the garden. Grow in knowledge of one another.

~A very special day indeed, never did know the pwer of Linda Rondstat..came at the right time, very unexpected..in any case matters of the heart still rule and boy is my intuition right on. I am secure and happy..I need to work on me again..so strange how as the years go by you sort of morph into these different people..wonderful when you can suprise yourself.

~Givernay (Zhay-vair-nuy) home to Monet and gardens 40 miles outside of Paris..

~I won't taint you with my words anymore, no more just fiction is needed at the expense of you-I am done now moving on and happy- I am at peace.

~When is it that one becomes "Between the Second Act & the Final Curtain"?

~The rules of the world do not apply to me

~As rain penetrates the roof passion overwhelms a confused mind...

All of these snippets of life thrown in with menus for summer BBQ & margarita parties.. what I bought for who on their birthdays..a master list of important dates..what I cooked for Thanksgiving...and then it ends 35 pages in....I am left hanging...I have to smile and chuckle a bit it is almost as if I am reading a bunch of self affirmations off of post its..no matter how silly or mundane it may seem..no matter what it is important to just keep writing it down.